The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies


In the last installment of The Hobbit (finally!), Smaug the Smug is reduced to a prologue, couldn’t even last till the opening title!

Well, that’s cos the title no longer contains Smaug, but ‘The Battle of the Five Armies’. I’ll wait while you count the five… yeah, it’s a little confusing.


I used to be a gold hoarder like you, then I took an arrow in the chest

So, Desolation of Smaug left us with Smaug breaking out of Lonely Mountain, gold encrusted, pissed off, and headed straight for Laketown. He razed through almost the entire town before he took an arrow to the chest. With that (quickly) out of the way, the dwarves had little time to celebrate their reclamation of Lonely Mountain, as word of Smaug’s death would spread quickly (via Twitter?) and other factions would come and fight for the gold and pristine views.

As Thorin and gang work overtime to reinforce their entrance, the Elves, Orcs and leftover humans from Laketown come knocking for a cup of tea and more.

So there you have it. The five armies. Wait, there’s only 4 of them: Dwarves, Elves, Humans, Orcs.

Are you able to guess the last “Army”? Yup, it’s the eagles from Dial-An-Eagle service. Uber never stood a chance in Middle Earth.

gandalf eagle

Uber never stood a chance in Middle Earth

Wait, can we still call it a battle if it’s 4 against 1? Shouldn’t it be called “The Massacre of the Orcs”?

Rating: 7/10

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